So, I just received an advance on my autobiography and I feel like it would not be right if I did not thank all of my readers out there.

I will admit the number surprised me (and Jill and Greta) but, it has made me rethink some things in my life. I have been out of "work" for so long that I actually forgot the amount I can make. I know my family and I will work on getting a new house. I of course give a lot if to charities and my foundations but, I have this strange idea that I may really want another child. I know my wife will kill me for saying that but, it's just an idea I have been thinking on. And praying on.

I will go ahead, without Jill or Greta's approval talk about my daughters entry in our family blog, which should be taken down by the time this is published. She is a child and I spoke to her about it and she did not really know what she was writing and how terrible it was. I think the truth is she misses her mother and isn't sure how to express it.

I tell my kids that if they want to be writers they can write anything they want but, they should never write anything that could hurt anyone in anyway.

I think the point is she is a child who was not supervised while she was online, a fault of mine and she did not mean what she wrote, I can assure you.

If you have no idea what I am talking about then, nevermind and thanks again.

I know everyone has their opinions about my wife so, I am going to lock the comments in any entry when I mention her.

Yes, I am alive and I know I have not been doing a very good job of keeping up with this blog but, I've been doing a lot of work with my fellow writers, with my family and with my autobiography coming out. So, with this being the weekend I have time to take a break and actually write in here.

I've noticed News lately has been very depressing so,I actually have nothing to write about.

I have been living with my oldest children these last few weeks and it has been very strange for me to be in a house without babies or toddlers running around. Actually, if anything the house has been quieter. When kids are the age the older ones are now they tend to be very dependent but, I am always happy when my children want to spend time with me without being forced. In my opinion family values is very important even though I know it clashes largely with what I do for a living so, I will admit to being a hypocrite. However,I don't write what I write to be controversial I write it because it is the only way I know how to fully convey a story.

I, like any parent want my kids to have much better than I did and I often ask myself if I am doing that. I know I won't be able to run around or play with them or that I can't give them as much individual attention,etc. I also think I can't compare myself to my own parents or my mother,really because it is a different situation.

I was a mess for a long time, even when I was a father but I cleaned myself up for my children eventually. I wonder what my childhood would have been like if my mother cleaned herself up for me ?

These thoughts don't come to my mind often though because I am just happy and thankful for everything and everyone I have now in my life.



Now I only have one pressing decesion to make right now :

This one:or this one :

Yes I stole my title from Shawna

I am very happy that this blog doesn't have a date log because then I would feel really bad about not updating. I just got my cast off so,I am back at physical therapy full time and my doctor is kicking my ass. In some of my past hobbies and jobs I have asked my body to do thins it probably couldn't but, this is different because I am re-adjusting to everything--not just walking.

Things at Cobalt have been relatively busy actually. Shawna is starting her new division so we constantly have new writers coming in and out along with all the other brilliant people it takes to start a new publishing division. Cobalt publishing has 3 floors in the Fere-Hallston building (counting the Midnight Agency) but it looks like we may need more space, although it will take a lot of negotiations for that to even begin.

Anyway between my family, physical therapy,getting ready to release this new book and helping out Shawna I have been very busy.

In other news, my bar is doing great. Apparently bars are seeing the better end of the recession. I know that's terrible

I have decided to take one of my co-workers suggestions and make this entry more personal. If you have noticed the style of writing I have done has changed from my previous entries.

Some of the fallout (no pun intended) from my accident was that I acquired a very mild form of a brain disorder called Aphasia. It affected me for a very long time where I was unable to speak for a long time as many of you saw. With help of my therapist, nurses and support from my family I was able to overcome this however it still affects the way I write.

It takes me a long time to write stories, to create fictional worlds because I often can not find the words to complete them. Writing these blog entries has been surprisingly easy though. But, I will admit I have some difficulties but,Jill and some of the editors at Cobalt are kind enough to edit these so they are readable but, the thoughts behind them are all mine.

So, the point is I will be taking a break from writing for now, this is a decision that has been a long time coming now but,I am officially saying it for the first time. I will still write this blog, I have been asked to do a few things for LA Magazine and I will always be involved with Cobalt but Joel Baker,Novelist is going to be taking a break for now. I have lots of scraps (a modem full actually)of a variety of unfinished stories, scenes and dialogue that I will either hold on to, give to other writers or something. Everything is really up in the air for now.

I think I will spend most of my time learning how to better manage my family and spending time with my family.

There was a short article in the Daily News about a little girl who took a tumble down an 8 story window and was just fine. The true irony ? Her name was Destiny.


I think from a writer's perspective names are important. When I pick names for characters at times they are truly random ( Joshua and Rebecca) and sometimes they are intentional created to go together ( Sam and Adeline). Because we choose our character's identity we often pick their name to go with that identity. Or sometimes we do the opposite. We choose a name that is so disassociated with the characters identity. Either way names are important when it comes to writing, and sometimes giving a character a name is the hardest thing to do.

I can't get through this entry without pointing out Juliet who said, "That which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd, Retain that dear perfection which he owes without that title. Romeo, doff thy name, And for that name which is no part of thee Take all myself."

We put to much of an ownership on surnames, I think. I won't lie of course I am victim to this too. When I was a teenager my father wanted me to change my last name to Lawrence but, I refused because I did not want to associate with him, even though Lawrence is a relatively common name. I knew that changing my name wouldn't change who I am yet, it was something I feared.

I often wonder how married women deal with this ordeal. Essentially,America society or American tradition rather asks them to change an identity they have come to know. But, I wonder; does the identity exist to begin with ? Is their anything carried with a last name. In my relationship it has been pretty obvious my, (here goes) significant other has never taken my last name, legally but all my children have my last name. I think she is afraid she will fall into some spherical cult of female domesticity if she does but, it is something that I've always found interesting. Of course this whole paragraph is irrelevant because of, well . . . hyphens.

Here is something else about names, what is with the negative connotation associated with terms of endearment. I will be completely honest, no matter how bad it makes me look and admit to using them, especially with women. But, I do not do it to put women "in their place" as someone explained to me I do it because it's my way of showing I have a close relationship with them. I do call my children "baby" and I think that comes from the fact that my mother used that term all the time, with everyone from her lover to her dog. When I was a newlywed I called my wife,"honey" and I will occasionally call the co-workers who I am friendly with the same thing. Does this mean I have an issue with their names ? No, I think it's a loving gesture.

When I get to make names for people who's identity I don't know I tend to want to make their names some what creative. I am of course talking about my children. I always give my mother credit for naming as many kids as she did with two names (most of which semi-worked together). The 6 of my children who are not adopted I got way with giving two names were Christopher Robin and Dahlia Beth. I was set on naming Christopher Robin , Josiah but, his mother didn't like that. I also wanted to name one of the babies Joel but once again I was vetoed.

While I have no intention of having anymore children if I did I have developed a new love of the name Clemintine (I actually really like the film Eternal Sunshine on A Spotless Mind) and more recently the name Harley.

My life has slowed down a lot lately and because of that I haven't been blogging much. It seems like all I do is work and go to physical therapy. However I may be taking a short break from writing fiction for a while so I may be devoting more time to this blog. I will probably start actually talking about things or what is on my mind. I have also made a promise that I will attempt to answer some of the comments on here.

I have an AOL e-mail account and whenever I sign in I usually learn about useless things that are going on but, I figure some of the AOL "news" can help me come up with things to write in here.

I've decided to have a little fun with this entry and talk about an article entitled Sexual Style by Sign which was on AOL Health.

I know this entry might be a little inappropriate for children but, it's not too graphic

So, my birthday is March 4 and I am a Pisces. According to them I am emotional not intellectual (true). It also says Pisces are "talented at pleasing others and accepting pleasure. What's naughty to another sign just seems like fun for the fish, and they approach bedroom romps with an open mind and an open heart, always expecting your time together to be fantastic."

I don't know if that is true I tend to be pretty vanilla but, I would actually be open to trying new things and I would like to think I always have sex with an open heart. It's funny though I think the only thing we add to our sexual relationship is the occasional KY product, the crazy things those people can do it's . . . amazing

It continues to say

Turn on's :Pisces are often turned on by fantasy games, so get out that cheerleading costume and start stretching.

Turn Offs: Don't play it cool with your Pisces, or he'll lose his libido. A Piscean partner needs to get a response in the sack.

I find this true, I mean anything from conversation, saying my name tothe occasional sexy moan really turns me on. While my fantasy isn't about cheerleaders I do have one my significant other would never consent to.

It's says I am compatible with Scorpio, Cancer, Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn.

Uh oh

My wife is an Aries. And you know what ? They almost have her to a science

"Passionate and impatient, these lovers want to get down to business. They're not into wooing you with flowers and romance. They're actors, not dreamers, and they prefer a spicy, energetic romp to a drawn-out lovemaking session. "They want what they want, and they want it now," says Vega. If what they want is you, you'll have a partner dedicated to pleasing you between the sheets -- but you'd better not be into foreplay, because you're not going to get much."

I am pretty sure my wife absolutley hate foreplay, I think she is creatively stunted

However it says she should be turned off by scheduling sex but, she is totally into that.

I want to say I take no truth in astrological signs but, I find this to be purely entertaining. For a long time I wasn't very open sexually. It was something I only wanted to do for societal purposes like to consumate a marriage or for procreational purposes. I know that sounds stilted but you will learn about the fire-and-brimstone-church-makes-backwoods-look-classy-environment I grew up in

Now, however that has changed. I still strongly believe in a monogamy and abstinence but I think once you are married you should not be ashamed of sex, I have no problem talking about my (or lack, thereof) of sex life. I love being with my wife and having that intimate connection with her.

This our obviously my beliefs and as much as I want to push them on others I know that I can't.

I just want to say it people are completely pissed off at me and think I crossed a line. I'm Sorry.

Yes, I can turn a phrase.

I have a confession to make. I have created within my company and for people who read my books a lofty image of my life, namely my wife that does not exist. There I go again. Fiona and I are not officially married at this point in time. And while the feelings II have expressed for her are true the nature of our relationship is not.

Life and other challenges have changed us. After our marriage she was hurt in the most cruelest of ways and that has hardened her heart in some ways. It has turned her into someone who can not honestly love me and I have chosen to ignore that. Instead I go to a fictional world as I always do and created what I want.

In my fictional world she is still is the young naive girl who noticed me when no one else did. I was going through so much when I met her. Namely, I was constantly fighting with my mother and doctors over my chemotherapy and it was taking a lot out of me. So, in a way I always see her as the only person who took the time to comfort me when I needed it most and I haven't changed that image and that has been my downfall.

What we have is partially superficial I realize that and I also see it is hurting my career. I made my life my career so I believe how I present it is important, that is why I am writing this. I want my readers to forget the term JSO and anything she has said or done.

Fiona has a troubled heart and past and it is none of our responsibility to judge her for it. And I would hope no one would judge me for it.

Our relationship is complicated and is only getting more so but,it is also personal and that is how it should stay.